The U.S. State Department has issued a travel alert for citizens entering Canada. Prehistoric monsters have been spotted. They are considered armed and dangerous.
The news comes after Roseau's Dustin Byfuglien and Blaine's Matt Hendricks, both players for the Winnipeg Jets, caught a 10-foot sturgeon in the Fraser River of British Columbia last week. The fish graciously posed for photos, but was released after forcing the men to hand over their lunch money.
U.S. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson immediately issued a travel warning, noting that the sturgeon has been known to eat small children, certain makes of Japanese automobiles, and that leftover turkey hot dish you were saving for supper.
It's unknown if the creature is operating solo, or part of a larger terrorist organization. The Trump administration is currently examining a plan to wall off the Canadian border from North Dakota to somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, just to be safe.
Should a U.S. citizen encounter the monster, the State Department suggests handing over the smallest member of your party to satiate its aggression. Wildlife experts say it may also be driven away by loudly reading from a Jonathan Franzen novel, or launching into a detailed monologue on your vegan diet.
Canadian officials appear less alarmed, noting that if the sturgeon can be harnessed, it's capable of powering most pleasure boats, thus saving on gas.